volleyball

went to vball for the first time in about 3 months.
had a great time.  really outta shape ( no sand legs ).
didn't feel too olde, tonite.

haha~!

;)

closure

so, i texted her the other night.
this time was different.
i asked her to tell me she didn't love me anymore.

she said: "i don't love you. you want black and white, there it is."
i thanked her.
then i deleted her from my phone.

day 23

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s 
rings upright support - 3 x 20s 
 
horizontal:
ring rows ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 3r
ring pushups ( feet on stool ) - 3 x 9r

day 22

warmup:
handstands ( belly ) - 30s, 30s, 30s
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s 
rings upright support - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s

vertical:
ring dips - 3 x 3r
ring chins - 3 x 3r
downdog pushups - 3 x 5r

day 21

kinda just goofing around with some different stuff,
since i haven't been hitting it very regular this week...

Rings Backlever? Curls - 3 x 5r
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 20s
Skin the Cats - 3 x 5r

day 20

warmup:
rings upright support - 3 x 20s
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s

horizontal:
ring rows ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 3r


interrupted again...
:)

day 19

ring chinups - 2 x 3r
ring dips - 2 x 3r

interrupted...

day 18

actually skipped a 3rd day too, cuz i was tired and kinda rundown...
:\

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s


vertical:
ring dips - 5 x 3r
ring l-chins - 5 x 3r

skipped 2

played goalie in the superfun league monday night...
didn't play very well, but had fun.
banged my face on the ground, covering a loose ball, got a scrape.
all-in-all it wasn't a good game for the team, lol.

skipping tonite too, spent some extra time in tempe...
:)

day 17

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

core:
muscleup transition ( knees on big ball ) - 3 x 3r
mu negative trans ( feet on soccer ball ) - 3 x 3r
skin the cats - 3 x 3r

headstand rev leglift - 3 x 3r
sink pushups - 3 x 5r  ( feet on the counter )
reverse plank - 3 x 30s

day 16

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

horizontal:
ring rows ( feet on ground ) - 5 x 3r
ring pushups ( feet on stool ) - 5 x 7r
planche lean - 3 x 10s

band expanders ( red ) - 3 x 10r

day 15

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

vertical:
ring l-chins - 5 x 3r
ring dips - 5 x 3r

handstands ( belly ) - 30s, 30s, 30s

day 14

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

taking another light day... :)

day 13

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

horizontal:
ring rows ( feet on ground ) - 5 x 3r
ring pushups ( feet on stool ) - 3 x 9r
planche lean - 3 x 10s

handstands ( belly ) - 30s, 30s, 30s

day 12

played goalie in the "superfun" league, monday night.
and now this olde man is sore, really sore.  lol

had to take last night off to go get my truck from work.
cuz it kinda freaked out after the soccer game and broke down.
and this morning took it to the shop.

so, today will be my first day for the week...


warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

vertical:
ring l-chins - 3 x 3r
ring dips - 3 x 3r

day 11

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

horizontal:
ring rows ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 5r
ring pushups ( feet on stool ) - 3 x 9r

planche lean - 3 x 10s

day 10

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s

 - taking an easy night...
;)

day 9

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 20s
working more on turning the rings out now, take it down to 20s...

front band expanders - 2 x 10r (blue)
overhead b.e. - 2 x 5r (red)
lateral raise b.e. - 2 x 5r (red)
handstands ( belly, walk up, walk down ) - 30s, 30s, 30s

vertical:
ring l-chins - 3 x 3r
ring dips - 3 x 3r

decided skin-the-cats were more of a core exercise...

day 8

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright sup - 3 x 20s

legs:
bulgarian squat - 3 x 10r per leg ( leg on ball behind )
one-arm overhead kb squat - 2 x 5r per arm ( 10r on 2 legs )
floor hip extensions - 3 x 10r

day 7

warmup:
rings deadhang - 3 x 20s
rings inv hang - 3 x 20s
rings upright support - 3 x 30s

core:
muscleup transition ( feet on soccer ball ) - 3 x 3r
mu negative trans (ditto) - 3 x 3r
reverse plank - 3 x 30s
headstand rev leglift - 3 x 3r

day 6

Warmup:
Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s
Rings Inv Hang - 3 x 20s
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s
Handstands ( belly to wall, walk up & down ) -30s,30s, 30s

Horizontals:
Ring Rows ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 5r
Ring Pushups -( feet on stool ) - 3 x 9r

( doing these next 2 as a giant set )
Ring Curls - ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 3r
Ring Tri Exts - ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 3r - these don't work so well, lol

Planche Lean - 3 x 10s

day 5

Warmup:
Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s
Rings Inv Hang - 3 x 20s
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s
Handstands ( belly ) - 3 x 30s

Vertical:
Ring Chins - 3 x 5r
Ring Dips - 3 x 3r
Skin the Cats - 3 x 3r

day 4

just doing warmup today, this week has been harder than i thought...

Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s 
Rings Invhang - 3 x 20s 
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s

day 3

Warmup:
Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s 
Rings Invhang - 3 x 20s 
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s

Core:
MU Trans - 3 x 3r ( feet on soccer ball )
MU Neg Trans - 3 x 3r ( ditto )
HeS RLL - 3 x 5r

who watches the watchers?

:)

today is a restday...

- - - - -

look in the mirror, do you like what you see?
are you healthy and well-rested, do you like how you look naked?
how are your thoughts?  do they tend to make you smile or not?

how do you picture yourself in a book?
hero?  protagonist? sidekick? useful tool? useless fluff?
is your story an adventure? a mystery? a tragedy?

how will your epitaph read?
good father, good son, loyal servant?
will you be able to lookback in your final moment, and say "i really lived!"?

( feel like i've written this before, lol )
;)

thought before bed

was getting ready for bed, and this thought made me get up and post...

there is always a little crazy in the lover.
it is what lets us hold onto hope,
and cross oceans,
and wait years,
for our beloved.

:-/

day 2

Warmup:

Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s
Rings Invert Hang - 3 x 20s
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s
Handstand ( belly to wall ) - 3 x 30s

Horizontal:
Ring Rows - 3 x 3r
Ring Pushups - 3 x 9r
Skin the Cats - 1 x 3r
Planche Lean - 3 x 10s

day 1 - series 2

Warmup:

Rings Deadhang - 3 x 20s
Rings Invert Hang - 3 x 20s
Rings Upright Support - 3 x 25s
Handstand ( belly to wall ) - 45s, 40s, 35s

Vertical:
Ring Chins - 5 x 3r ( feet on a soccer ball )
Ring Dips - 5 x 2r  ( sheesh, weak tonite )
Skin the Cats - 2 x 3r
Sink Box Pushups - 3 x 3r

break

this is the end of my first 8 week session,
so, it's time for a break. 
gonna take a week off for healing and resetting,
then get back to it again...
:)

of course, i might get ansty and do something.
but, it won't be part of a new cycle yet...

day 32

Rings US - 3 x 30s

Rings Bodyweight Biceps Curl ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 5r

Rings Pushups ( feet on stool to parallel ) - 3 x 9r

day 31

Rings US - 3 x 30s

False grip Hang - 3 x 10s

Handstand ( back to wall ) - 3 x 30s

L-sits ( p'lets ) - 30s, 20s (fell backwards), 30s

Alt Lunges w KBs - 3 x 10r ( 5 each leg )

Goblet Squats w KB - 3 x 10r

day 30

tweaked my neck and/or traps somehow the other day, taking it easy...

Rings US - 3 x 30s

Ring Rows ( feet on ground ) - 5 x 3r
Ring Pushups ( feet on stool ) - 5 x 9r

Cast Wall Walks - 3 x 2r ( calling each walk up and down a rep )

day 29

Rings US - 3 x 30s
Rings FTH - 3 x 10s
Rings BTH - 3 x 15s

Ring Dips - 3 x 3r
Ring Chins - 3 x 5r

MU Neg Trans - 2 x 3r

Dog Pushups ( downward dog ) - 3 x 5r

Handstands ( back to wall ) - 30s, 30s, 30s

day 28

this was actually fridays workout, but i was in a hurry last night, so posting now.

Rings US - 3 x 30s

Ring Rows - 3 x 5r ( feet on stool )

Ring Pushups - 3 x 10r ( feet on stool )

short & sweet, tra-la...
;)

day 27

Jumprope ( vibrams ) - 3 x 100r

Rings US - 3 x 30s

Ring Chins ( feet on ground ) - 5 x 5r
Ring Dips ( unsupported ) - 3 x 3r

Lsits ( on p'lets ) - 3 x 30s

Handstand ( belly to wall ) - 30s, 25s, 20s

day 26

Rings US - 3 x 30s
Ring Rows ( feet on ground, full ROM ) - 3 x 5r
Ring Pushups ( feet on stool ) - 3 x 9r

Band Expanders - 3 x 9r

day 25

Jumprope ( vibrams ) - 3 x 100r

Rings US - 3 x 30s
Ring FTH - 3 x 15s
Ring BTH - 3 x 20s

Ring Dips - 3 x 3r
Ring Chins - 3 x 3r

MU Neg Trans ( feet on ground ) - 3 x 5r
- these are just semi-resisted falls, lol.
  basically, i'm at the bottom of a dip, heels in front,
  and then i twist hands into a false-grip and fall backward,
  trying to make it as slow as possible...

;)

day 24

doing some fundamentals again...


Rings US - 3 x 30s

Ring Rows ( feet on ball ) - 3 x 3r
Ring Pushups ( feet on ball ) - 3 x 9r

Lsit on parallelettes - 3 x 15s

Reverse Plank - 2 x 30s
Frogstand - 3 x 20s

Band Expanders ( shoulder prehab ) - 3 x 9r

day 23

it's good to be able to work myself to exhaustion, 
when my monkeymind is spinning nowhere quickly,
and a bittersweet melancholy is aching in my slowly healing heart...



Jumprope ( wearing my VFFs ) - 3 x 125r

Handstands ( back to wall ) - 40s, 40s, 40s, 35s, 30s
He RLL - 3 x 5r

Rings US - 3 x 30s
Rings Front Tuck Hang - 3 x 15s
Rings Back Tuck Hang - 3 x 20s

Ring Dips - 3 x 3r ( unsupported )
Ring Chins - 3 x 3r ( unsupported )

MU Neg Transitions - 3 x 3r ( feet on ball ) 

Sink Pushups -3 x 3r

day 22

Jumprope - 3 x 100r

Rings US - 5 x 20s

Reverse Plank - 3 x 30s
Frogstand - 3 x 30s

Alt Lunges -  3 x 10r

day 21

Happy New Year! 
wow, 2012 has arrived with a whisper...
;)

Handstands ( belly to wall ) - 37s, 45s, 33s, 30s, 30s
( first set i think i was trying to balance too much )

Rings US - 5 x 20s
Rings Chins - 5 x 5r ( feet on ball )
Rings Dips - 5 x 5r ( feet on ball )

Sink Pushups - 4 x 5r

day 20

Handstands ( belly to wall ) - 45s, 40s, 33s, 28s, 23s

Rings US - 5 x 20s
Rings Front Tuck Hang - 5 x 15s
Rings Back Tuck Hang - 3 x 20s

went grocery shopping...

Ring Chins - 5 x 5r ( feet on ball )
Ring Dips - 5 x 5r ( feet on ball )

day 19

restday... but i felt like doing something, so:

Sink Pushups ( like box PU ) - 3 x 5r
for a box pushup, you put your feet on a box, but i'm using my sink, lol.
still trying to stack my hips on top of shoulders, legs straight, etc.
these are a progression to the HeSPU and HSPU...


Shoulder Prehab ( with resistance band ) - 3 x 9r

day 18

doing a little "greasing the groove" this morning, since i'm on vacation...

Reverse Plank - 3 x 30s
Frogstand - 3 x 30s

right hand, 3 outside fingertips have gone a little numb and tingly.

Chinups ( on the bar ) - 3 x 3r
Box Pushups ( feet on the sink ) - 3 x 3r


didn't do much else in the afternoon, actually just...


Alternating Lunges w/ 25lb KBs - 3 x 10r

day 17

Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s

Ring Rows - 3 x 5r

Ring Dips - 3 x 7r

day 16

yesterday was an unintentional restday, i was intending to workout, but things got in the way.  received a nice visit and gift from a friend. and my little brown dog leona had another seizure, which lasted almost 2 hours. i sat and held and petted her during it, while my son and his girlfriend kept me company. we also watched a movie.

not really motivated today, so just screwing around on the rings a bit...

Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s

Ring Rows ( feet on the ground ) - 5 x 5r

Ring Dips ( feet on ball ) - 5 x 5r


* thinking too much these past few days, and it's got me grumpy. not depressed, per se, but i can relate to those who get depressed during the holiday season. i don't particularly want to face up to familial and friendly obligations right now. feel like it would be a good thing to be in my truck driving somewhere else...

yes, she's on my mind again, wish it wasn't like this, feel like an idiot. it is an ongoing thorn in my mind, that when i see something interesting, or amusing, or artistic, that my mind immediately jumps to sharing it with her. then i mentally smack myself and pace thru the coping talk: let it go, it's been long enuff, quit dwelling, i'm fine, too old for this, etc.

/sigh

day 15

Rings Upright Support - 5 x 10s
Rings Front Tuck Hang - 5 x 10s
Rings Back Tuck Hang - 5 x 10s

( the following i used a stepstool for my feet )
Ring Chinups - 5 x 5r
Ring Dips 5 x 5r
Ring Pushups 5 x 7r

Handstand ( belly to wall ) - 20s, 20s, 20s

 - - -

there is a cold north wind blowing tonite, a december wind...
seems like i've looked up at the night sky many times in the past,
with this winter wind caressing my face, making me shiver.

always seems to be bringing change with it.

day 14

supposed to be a "rest" day, but i felt like doing something...

Jumprope - 3 x 150r

Rings Upright Support - 3 x 30s

Band Expanders - 5 x 7reps

day 13

gonna try a few "fundamental" strength exercises,
to work on some of the supporting musculature...

1 pull, 1 push, and 1 core, sounds like a good session today.

Ring Rows 5 x 5

Ring Archer PU 5 x 10 alternating

L-sit on parallelettes 3 x 20s

day 12

trying a few different things, since i'm still a little sore from d11...

Jumprope 3 x 200r

Rings US 3 x 30s

Frogstand 15s, 25s, 35s  ( took a little practice to balance )

HeSPU progression - feet on the sink, torso over shoulders 3 x 5r
( tried the last set on parallelettes - aaaagggkkk!  not yet, ow, lol )

Rings Partial MU Tx - 3 x 5r
( 5 falsegrip chins, then 5 MU transition negatives, with heels on ground )

day 11

Jumprope - 3 x 200r

HS ( belly to wall ) -  35s, 35s, 35s, 30s, 30s

Ring US - 3 x 30s 
Ring BH - 3 x 15s 
Ring GH - 3 x 20s

( using an exercise ball support my feet today )
Ring CUs - 5 x 5reps ( failed at 3 on 5th set )
Ring Dips - 5 x 5reps
Ring PUs - 5 x 10reps ( used the stool, ball kept rolling away, ow )

day 10

Jumping Rope 3 sets of 150 ( about a minute & 1/2 each )

HS ( back to wall ) - 50s, 45s, 37s, 40s, 40s

AltLunges - 3 x 10reps ( 5 each leg ) - holding 25lb KB each hand

DL - 3 x 5reps ( embarrassingly light )

Rings WU x 3 rounds
a. static support x 30sec
b. static BH x 15sec
c. static GH x 15sec

day 9

- it's raining today, so no jumping rope ( ceilings are too low )

HS ( belly to wall ) - 50s, 40s, 35s, 30s, 25s 

Ring US - 3 x 30s 
Ring BH - 3 x 15s 
Ring GH - 3 x 20s

(all the following i use a stepstool to support my feet)
Ring CUs - 5 x 3reps
Ring Dips - 5 x 3reps
Ring PUs - 5 x 7reps

day 8

skipped today, had to get ready for a holiday party...

day 7

yesterday was a rest day, but i did some HeS RLL - 3x5
( headstand reverse leg lifts ) 

today:

WU:
a. Jumping Rope 3 sets of 100 ( maybe a minute each? )
b. static support 3 x 30sec
c. HS - belly to wall - 35sec, 25sec, 30sec ( kinda weak after ring support )
d. static BH 3 x 15sec
e. static GH 3 x 15sec

Ring CU (chinups) 3 sets of 5 ( feet on 15" step )

Ring Dips 3 sets of 5 ( feet on 15" step )

Ring PU (pushups) 3 sets of 7 ( feet up )

day 6

WU x 3 rounds
a. static support x 30sec
b. static GH x 10sec
c. static hanging Lsit x 10sec

Jumping Rope 3 sets of 100 ( about a minute each )

HS ( back to wall ) - 3 sets of 45secs

didn't get to lunges or deads tonite :(

day 5

okay, back to the beginning...
technically i guess it's day 7?  but only my 5th working day.

here is what i started on:

day 5 workout:

WU x 3 rounds
a. static support x 30sec
b. static GH x 10sec
c. static hanging Lsit x 10sec
( moved backward in the progressions, to german hang & l-sits, still hard ) 

Jumping Rope 3 sets of 100 ( maybe a minute each? )

Ring CU (chinups) 3 sets of 5  ( feet on 15" step )

Ring Dips 3 sets of 5 ( feet on 15" step )

Ring PU (pushups) 3 sets of 5 ( feet supported parallel ) 

Handstands 3 sets of 30secs ( belly to wall )

don't feel any stronger yet, lol.
:)

day 4

WU x 3
a. static hold x 30sec
b. static cheat BL x 30sec
c. static cheat FL x 30sec

AL - 5 x 10 ( 5 on each leg )

- 25lb KB in each hand

HS - 3 x 45secs ( back to wall )

day 3

yesterday was a rest day, altho i did some HeS legraises - 3x3
talk about a beeyatch!  ow ow ow x 3

day 3 workout:

WU x 3 rounds
a. static support x 30sec
b. static cheating BL x 30sec
c. static cheating FL x 30sec
( cheating means my feet are on the ground, lol )

Ring CU 3 sets of 5  ( feet on 10" box )

Ring Dips 3 sets of 5 ( feet on 15" step )

bent arm support on rings 3 x 15-20 secs
( more ow ow ow )

HS (belly against the wall) 3 x 30secs

day 2

so, yesterday was day 2 of my new program...

really had fun with it, although i got distracted by Skyrim, after my 1st set of lunges.

Doh!

anyways, here was the workout:

WUx3rounds
a. static hold x 30sec
b. static tuck BL x 30sec (cheating w feet on ground)
c. static tuck FL x 30sec (cheating)

HS - 3x30secs (back to wall)

DL - 5x5 - all weight (all i have, and it's still light)

AL - 1x10 ( should have done 3x10 )

- used 25lb KB in each hand

Rings

got my rings in the mail yesterday, set them up and goofed off a little...

JEEBUZZ!  just trying to support is so hard i was shaking!

:)

my basic 4-day-a-week plan: (still need to figure out sets/reps):

WU:

a. static hold x 30sec

b. static tuck BL x 30sec

c. static tuck FL x 30sec

day 1:

- WU

- chinups

- dips

- handstands

day 2:

- WU

- DL

- lunges

- HS

skipday...

day 3:

- WU

- CU

- dips

- HS

day 4:

- WU

- DL

- lunges

- HS

weekend...

bullseye!

this article hits the bullseye!

i wish every HR dweeb in the nation would read it...

 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204422404576596630897409182.html

 

google+me!

i read an article the other day about Google+,

that basically said it "could" take the place of

all the other mediums of online communication.

email, chat, blog, and f*$%book - all replaced.

now, i don't know that this is true,

but, that would be a good thing right?

i mean, for those of us who spend some

significant amount of time doing those things.

so, give it a try...

i am.

google+me!

;)

seemingly disjointed nonsense

just thinking...

 

life in America today is a bit surreal.

we are slowly walking into a barren valley, which we can't see the other side of.

as we look around, we see many others walking, some fall, and some stop to help the fallen.

but most just keep walking, thinking that they have to keep going, to keep moving.

and not quite knowing why...

 

can anyone see the carrot?  can they feel the stick?

are our leaders prolonging the sickness, so they can maintain their position?

if it's a game, what are the rules again?

they seem to keep changing...

 

bondage > truth > courage > liberty > abundance > greed > complacency > apathy > dependance > bondage

where are we now?

 

what do you use to hide your unhappiness?

music? tv? drugs? alcohol? sex? games? work?

 

what do you do to make this world, or your community, healthier?

what would you do?

what can you do?

 

what was the fate of the commoner in every other resolution thru-out history?

think.

 

Tytler

 

favorite quotes

my fav quotes...

"life does not accommodate you, it shatters you. it is meant to, and it couldn't do it better. every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition." 
- Florida Scott-Maxwell

"the cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea."
- Isak Dinesen

"there is always some madness in love.,
but there is also always some reason in madness."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."
- Henry Ford

"most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." 
- Abraham Lincoln

"it always works out in the end.  if it's not working out, it's not the end."
- Anonymous

Notes

so, i'm cleaning up my FB, in anticipation of other things...

here's my notes:

- - - - -
this life - fri, may 27th, 2011


this life i'm living,
i wonder if it's for me?
when i was younger,
i was living for my family.

when i thought i'd grown up,
i married a beautiful lady,
and we raised wonderful kids,
and again, it was for my family.

now the kids are grown,
and the wife and i split up,
lovers i've had, and left, and lost,
and i wonder... have i yet grown up?

will i lose my fear and excuses someday?
and wander out into the cold night air,
looking up at the stars and wondering,
is this all that there ever was for me here?

- - - - -
cleaning up - wed, jan 19th, 2011


she entered my life,
and her smile and words played a tune in my head.
slowly my heart began to beat to the music...

and a fire was lit.
with every touch and every shared breath,
that fire soared, burning when we touched...

and then she left,
and the tune kept playing,
and that fire kept burning and burning...

it's just me again,
and i have a mess to clean up,
fire blackened rooms and broken strings.

- - - - - 
neil gaiman quote - nov 16th, 2010

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain..."

~ Neil Gaiman
( author of The Sandman comic )

- - - - - 

lucky - sept 20th, 2010

call me lucky.

i have people in my life who love me.
and i've loved many of those who passed thru.
friends, and lovers, and those who turned out to be neither.
and i've been lucky enough to be "in-love" a few times.
even though that kinda thing seems to fade with time.
each time i got a little hurt when it ended,
but i didn't want that to stop.
cuz the hurting was good.
in it's own way.

and luckiest of all, i connected with someone, recently, body-mind-heart-&-soul.
she connects to me in all the ways that i think are important between two people.
and that seems like a rare treasure to me...

call me lucky.

- - - - - 
clear - nov 3rd, 2009

one thing is clear to me, that a morality which produces guilt, self-torture, and shame, which results in anxiety and weakness, which shortens and belittles life, cannot be the answer...
- tarl of bristol
(actually from a book character)

- - - - -
~t

i dreamt of surfing

i dreamt of surfing this morning.

 

a huge wave took me away from where i started,

going along the shore, rather than to it.

i passed alot of other people, who seemed to be still.

 

suddenly i found myself facing backward, looking where i'd come from.

then, the wave threw me up really far onto a new shore.

i picked up my board, confused, and walked over to a desk

where there were some "instructors" talking.

 

i asked them where i could buy some jeans to wear,

and how far i was from "kua" where i'd started,

and they just laughed. 

 

they said i was still on the same island, just at "kuala"?

and really far away, and that i could catch a bus back.

last thing i remember was walking back to the ocean...

 

good dream!

:)

Soulmate

this idea of a Soulmate has to end.

nobody else can hold up your world but you.

and no one is going to fix all your problems, or heal all your wounds.

 

there is just way too much emphasis on the "magic" happening.

magic is an illusion, relationships take work, period.

 

i'm not against the idea that we can create a soulmate.

it just means that each of us can work on our relationships,

making them stronger, and more fun, and successful.

but it takes hard work.

 

i'm also not against the idea that you can create soulmates in most relationships.

we just have to be happy and strong, and meet other happy, strong, loving people,

and choose to build a great friendship, relationship, marriage, or whatever.

 

and i could be totally wrong, of course.

maybe it is soul energy?

or maybe it's just basic chemistry?

;)

 

diet

well, i felt i was pretty successful following the slow-carb diet,
lost 20 lbs and gained some muscle.

and now, i'm re-introducing some carbs back into what i eat.

a couple of things that started bugging me on the slow-carb, were my joints and circulation, which could be coincidental of course, but my joints started hurting, and my pinky fingers and toes get numb.

so, i have been having oatmeal for breakfast this week,

and i mixed brown rice in with my blackbeans and brocolli last night.

not sure how this experiment will bloom, but there you go.

this is somewhat in response to seeing the movie ForksOverKnives this weekend.

not that i want to cut animal products totally out,
but leaning a bit more "plant-strong".

i'm still at about 197 lbs, and feeling pretty muscular and lean.

( not huge and cut, lol, just in good overall shape )

just...wow.

47 today. 
seems...just...wow.

Old Notebook

found an old notebook when i was looking for something to take notes on, for the soccer board meeting the other night.  it was from 1999, which seems like a very long time ago, but isn't.

the notebook was for a class i was taking: "Your Hearts Desire".
which, as i remember it, was a very fun class for me at the time.
( i was newly separated at the time, the first one )

so, basically, nothing has changed!

i am still searching for whatever it is i would have passion for.
still looking for the lady who will love me as much as i love her.
and still trying to get back into doing something artistic.

not sure how i feel about that.
this i will ponder and perhaps dream upon...
:-/

2nd petscan = all clear

Dr. called friday, results from my 2nd petscan are all clear.
yay!

unreadable

that other format sucked! 

 sorry...

/facepalm

and this one is just ... so ... vanilla.
:P

obligatory cheezball pics

okay, i've been kinda following the four hour body book
for eating and working out. and, i've seen some success :)

here are a few obligatory cheezball pics, showing my progress...

ready? put on those safety goggles!


before:

that's me sometime in nov. of 2010, at about 220 lbs.


and after:

me at 195 lbs.


and i think i'm gonna try putting on a little muscle now...
:)))


boooyaaaa!
jk ;)

thoughts

i wasn't really thinking about blogging today. but i was thinking about this past weekend, and some of the things that happened. nothing that i would call an epiphany, but definitely insights into how i've been feeling.

you know, the whole "my heart is broken" thing :)

it's not that i'm past it, and i'll probly have a few drunken nights wallowing in it again. ( like 2 weeks ago last friday, lol )

but, i think i'm having some clarity, and alot of acceptance now.
not that it is important to anyone but me.

friday and saturday were desperately lonely for me.

and before i met her, i wasn't what i would call lonely.

alone yes, but i had settled into a routine, with my kids, and other stuff of my life. i was a bit cluttered, and my abode reflected that, and still does. but the first 2 days of the weekend, i was seeking someone to distract me from my loneliness, and i texted and called quite a few people.

and nobody, absolutely nobody, was available. few even answered.

it was like my phone and email were blocked. lol, dang universe.

so, after those 2 days, i kinda looked at myself, and thought "that's enough".

time to accept what the universe was showing me, once again.

"be comfortably alone, and know that you are not truly alone"

loneliness is thinking you are missing something, that you have an empty spot inside.

some people fill that with "stuff", drugs, religion, sex, whatever... but, i haven't. well, occasionally, but not too often, and it's not my "pattern". ( don't get me wrong, i DO obsess. my monkeymind goes bananas pretty often )

sunday was fantastic, got to play futsal with friends from the soccer club.

gave my old sambas to a kid, so he'd have "soccer shoes" for next week.

then us oldmen went to the mancave and had a couple beers.

then, since it was my "cheat day", i went and had blueberry pancakes.

( and continued cheating most of the rest of the day )

end result: not healed, but healing...

and i think my head's back in the "right" place for me.

i can accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and i can still love her.

and i know that whatever the universe has planned for me, is a good thing.

cuz i've always believed that things happen for a reason.

other women will match my "shortlist", and fate will place our feet to meet.

intelligent, well-read, athletic, spiritual not religious, and truthful.

likes movies and a great BLT, lol.

and i started "decluttering", which was my new goal, 5 minutes a day!

:)

MoveOn dot org petition

here is an interesting link:

 

"Corporations aren't people, and shouldn't be able to corrupt our democracy.

We need as many state legislatures as possible to get behind the call for

a constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United ruling."

 

courtesy of george at urbansurvival dot com... ;)

 

fire and music: cleaning up...

she entered my life,
and her smile and words played a tune in my head.
slowly my heart began to beat to the music...

and a fire was lit.
with every touch and every shared breath,
that fire soared, burning when we touched...

and then she left,
and the tune kept playing,
and that fire kept burning and burning...

it's just me again,
and i have a mess to clean up,
fire blackened rooms and broken strings.

happy new year

goodbye 2010, hello 2011.

3 stubborn things

update on my 3 stubborn things...

a. still dealing with my emotional turmoil, but i'm not physically aching anymore.  ( been working out, playing vball & futsal, biking, etc - lost weight too, not that i'm happy about it, but the kids say i look good )

b. after telling my thoughts about the oncologists to my ENT surgeon, he agreed with me.  ( and we have a plan i like )

c. after coming back from the trip, my wonderful child and i traded good-natured texts back & forth, many ending with "jeezus loves you!"  ( and she has alot of funny stories about jeezus-camp too, lol )

and that's about it...

on vacation til the end of the year, and all my shopping is done, wooo!

oh, and happy festivus!
;)

a good thought...

"Your enemy can not harm you as much as your own, unguarded thoughts"
~ Buddhist saying (made famous by the Samurai)

 

stubborn

apparently i'm stubborn. 

 

not exactly a surprise, but it's causing some definite issues in my life right now.

 

one: i am having trouble letting go of a relationship that has ended.

two: i think i know more than the oncologist about what's best for me.

three: i refused to pay for a trip to a religious camp for one of my kids (who went anyway).

 

just three examples...

but i still feel i'm right.  in all three of those cases.

doesn't mean that i am actually right, just how i feel about it.

maybe i need a new distraction?  /shrug

 

 

prepare for a drastic change in the world...

store away some food, and ammo, and maybe some booze.

life will continue to be interesting.

 

oh, and peace out !

:)

 

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/knight-research-stunning-call-game-over

 

interesting read...

:-/

HPV

 

Had a good visit with my surgeon, this morning...

This was the normal post-op visit, but we also discussed the Oncologist i went to.

 

Basically, he said it was my choice on how I wanted to pursue treatment or not.

He reiterated that he got all of the cancer out of my neck.  But it wasn't benign.

And that since the Petscan showed no other signs of cancer, I was clear, for now.

 

He said we would have monthly visits, and petscans every 6 months, and we'd watch.

Which sounds like a good plan to me.  Cuz the chemo and radiation are nasty.

 

We also discussed the possibility that mine was an HPV+ OPC (oropharyngeal cancer),

and there was discussion in his medical community about HPV being epidemic right now.

( he was going to check into a retest of the biopsy to determine if it was )

Treatment for HPV+ cancer is somewhat different than traditional treatment,

but it is still evolving, as it is a new development.

 

ps. if you're bored, wikipedia has some good stuff on all of this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HPV-positive_oropharyngeal_cancer

 

Quantum blahblahblah

 

Quantum Mind-Body Problem

 

somehow, this peaks my interest:

"Pauli accepted the term, and described quantum mechanics as lucid mysticism.^[1]"

 

- and makes me immediately think about synchronicity, both personal and between persons...

 

simply the idea of waveform collapse, which i would choose different jargon for, validates conciousness, right?

that an observing conciousness, causes the everywhereness of the universe to respond, and come into focus for the observer.

/shrug

 

does this also bring the universe into focus, thru intent?

focused concentration, causes the universal soup to coalesce, allowing intent to manifest reality?

 

 

i like the idea that all those quantum scientists, saw value in mysticism...

 

strange thoughts...

;)

 

frustrated...

went to an Oncologist yesterday for a consultation...

kinda depressing information which was also frustrating to hear.

 

basically, they want me to start some type of treatment, even tho the petscan showed clear.

something about sub-microscopic cancer cells, which they want to prevent spreading.

i'm going to start researching it.

 

the things i found so frustrating, were that when i asked about alternative treatment,

they said my options were: radiation, chemo, or more surgery.

and when i asked about the clear petscan, she talked about sub-microscopic, undetectable stuff.

also, when i asked about how i don't fit into any "lifestyle" that promotes cancer, she had no answer.

( i'm a non-smoker, light-drinker, not-overweight, daily exerciser, no-family-history, etc )

 

so, i'm a bit frustrated if not down-right angry after speaking with them...

 

anyways, that's the news

:)

 

Passing Time...

And, November 5th, 2010, 3:30pm passes by with a small sigh of relief...

-_-

 

Prof. Kotlikoff says

14-fold higher?!?!?!?!?  wut wut WUT???

 

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/commentary/neil-reynolds/the-scary-actual-us-government-debt/article1773879/

 

night of the living fed, haha!

"Capitalism has been manipulated far more, and more dangerously, by the last two Republican-appointed Fed bosses than everything else added together," Grantham added. "It is naive, if fashionable, to blame the rather current lame Administration for all of our problems. They inherited a cake already baked, or better, 'half-baked,' and the master bakers were the current and former Fed bosses."

 

from this interestingly titled article:

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/fed-zombies-hungry-for-quantitative-easing-2010-10-26

;)

 

clinging to the shore

well, life takes interesting twists and turns, much like a river...

 

there are people we connect with, seems like instantly,

and sometimes we have the pleasure of spending significant time with them.

they become part of us, and hopefully we become part of them.

and like all things, this too passes.

 

the parting hurts a bit, sometimes a bit more than we like.

but i suppose it depends on our attitude, if we accept that all things end,

and if we don't struggle and fight against the current, it can be easier.

 

but, i don't think it's in our nature to peacefully let go.

we cling, we struggle, we kick and fight and scream.

just our nature, or maybe my nature ;)

 

eventually, we let go, or are carried off, and the river sweeps us on down it's path.

and if we are lucky, we bump into the shore again, and get to spend some time.

i haven't quite got to the space where i completely trust the river.

 

but i'm working on it.

;)

 

some quotes from the buddha

started looking for good quotes on love, and this played on my heartstrings:

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long
companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of
spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it
will not be created for years or even generations."
~ Kahlil Gibran

- - -

then i started looking for quotes from the buddha, and these made me smile:

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

"Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity."

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."

"What we think, we become."

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

. . .

peace...
-_-

PETscan results

picked up my results today, without getting into the medical language, it looks like i'm all clear.

probly should wait to hear from my doctor, but seems like good news.

:)

 

PETscan

just got to work after my petscan, this morning...

and i am Starving!  lol.

 

Positron Emission Tomography (PET)

 

basically, they told me to eat a hi protein, lo carb "last" meal. 

( i had steak, salmon, and broccoli at lonestar )

and then fast this morning.  i thought they said not to drink any water, so i didn't.

but they gave me some when i got there this morning, as i guess it's ok.

 

so, i show up early, read until the appt time, sign in, and was treated very well by the staff at Az Molecular.

David was very nice, and explained how everything would go, then he took some blood for a sugartest.

and after that he injected me with some radioactive sugar...

( apparently cancer cells love that shit )

 

then, i had to "rest" for an hour, while the sugar uptake process occurred thru-out my body.

not being allowed to read my book was a bit difficult, as i was supposed to try to be very quiet and still.

reading apparently works out our facial muscles, and that might skew the sugar uptake.  ( who knew? )

 

so, after I was told to pee ( gotta be empty ), changed into some scrubpants, and a few more minutes of rest,

David came and took me to the scanning room.  I had him put KUPD on the radio, WWBD was on, but i dint pay much attention.

then I mounted the very narrow table, and David strapped my arms to my sides, and threw a nice warm blanket over me.

he also put some spacers around my head, so i wouldn't move too much, then he said "cya in a bit", and left.

 

The machine is quietly humming.  The radio is playing, but I'm not listening.  I'm quieting my body and my mind.

I'm not claustrophobic actually, until someone straps me to a table under a big humming machine, then i am.

Just a little bit...

;)

 

So, twenty minutes later, after a lot of sliding back and forth, and trying not to move or itch, I was free again.

It's a funny thing, when you know it's done, and it's soooo quiet, and you know someone is coming soon.

"don't forget me!"  "hurry!"  "gaaaah!  untie me arms!"  all ran thru my head... lol.

but, David didn't forget, and his smile looked like he read my mind, and he got me off the table quick-like.

and I thanked him with a foolish smile.

 

Another thing, right?

It's just another thing.

And it's just another day beginning...

 

surgery

well, long story short:
went to the doctor on tuesday, after 2 weeks of antibiotics for my throat.
she sent me down to the E.N.T. guy, and he looked in my throat and said:
"oh, that has to come out, this week". 
so, i went in for surgery on thursday.
he took out the growth and most of my left tonsil...
saturday he called, and after a little phonetag i got hold of him.
he said it was cancerous, but he was pretty sure he got all of it out.
i'm not in any pain, and actually feel great.

but, i have to start going in for tests soon.
an interesting twist...
:-/

doublethink...

"he who controls the past, controls the future.  he who controls the present, controls the past" - 1984

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/charting-statistical-fraud-bls-22-out-23-consecutive-upward-revisions-initial-jobless-claims

 

Watching BP

it's frightening to see how this BP situation started: washington's blog

and even more sphincter-tightening to listen to Clif from HPH talk about in on Rense...

 

i wonder what the live feeds will show as TS Bonnie comes into play?

:-/

 

is there really a blackout on the gulf disaster?

i see mentioned in this article, that there is now a news blackout on the gulf disaster?

dunno if that's true, but if so, we are in some serious shit.

E.L.E. type stuff maybe?

 

X(

 

no love for the refs.

i suppose all highly visible events get some kind of controversy...

and this worldcup is no exception.

no love for the refs and their difficult job.

 

calls by refs have been making huge impacts in the worldcup games.

usa had it's fair share, or maybe a bit more.

england had it's comeback goal unfairly taken away.

ireland would have qualified, instead of the shameful french.

 

watching these games, it became more than obvious to the world

that the current 1 center, 2 linesmen fifa setup is horribly inadequate.

 

just 1 ref in the booth, with a 5 second replay window to review,

mic'd into the other 3 would fix it.

their sole duty to review and advise, not overrule.

 

hey fifa, get with the technology of the times.

this would help the game, not hinder it.

nor would it make it less beautiful.

 

the beautiful goal

i haven't posted my jubilation on facebook.

i haven't posted here.

i haven't called all my soccer buddies and gloried in the beautiful goal.

 

but, i'm smiling.

:)

 

and my throat hurts a bit...

lol.

Killing the World

so, is it morbidly funny to watch BP bumble thru their handling of the gulf crisis?

 

i guess it is, in the same way watching the Stooges perform openheart surgery on me, live, would be...

somehow, the pres pointing gun fingers at anyone, bothers me.

blame is a useless game.

 

how long will they let the stooges fumble the ball,

before they step in and do something to end this fiasco?

they both are, in fact, killing the world.

 

:-(

belief

there are things, true or not, that it is good to believe in:
honesty, equality, fidelity, self-protection, protecting the weak, resisting tyranny...
these are just some of the concepts that help us to be a good person in our community.
we were given a body, brain, and breath; use them to achieve good things.
we were given a garden to live in; protect it, and make it beautiful.