thoughts

i wasn't really thinking about blogging today. but i was thinking about this past weekend, and some of the things that happened. nothing that i would call an epiphany, but definitely insights into how i've been feeling.

you know, the whole "my heart is broken" thing :)

it's not that i'm past it, and i'll probly have a few drunken nights wallowing in it again. ( like 2 weeks ago last friday, lol )

but, i think i'm having some clarity, and alot of acceptance now.
not that it is important to anyone but me.

friday and saturday were desperately lonely for me.

and before i met her, i wasn't what i would call lonely.

alone yes, but i had settled into a routine, with my kids, and other stuff of my life. i was a bit cluttered, and my abode reflected that, and still does. but the first 2 days of the weekend, i was seeking someone to distract me from my loneliness, and i texted and called quite a few people.

and nobody, absolutely nobody, was available. few even answered.

it was like my phone and email were blocked. lol, dang universe.

so, after those 2 days, i kinda looked at myself, and thought "that's enough".

time to accept what the universe was showing me, once again.

"be comfortably alone, and know that you are not truly alone"

loneliness is thinking you are missing something, that you have an empty spot inside.

some people fill that with "stuff", drugs, religion, sex, whatever... but, i haven't. well, occasionally, but not too often, and it's not my "pattern". ( don't get me wrong, i DO obsess. my monkeymind goes bananas pretty often )

sunday was fantastic, got to play futsal with friends from the soccer club.

gave my old sambas to a kid, so he'd have "soccer shoes" for next week.

then us oldmen went to the mancave and had a couple beers.

then, since it was my "cheat day", i went and had blueberry pancakes.

( and continued cheating most of the rest of the day )

end result: not healed, but healing...

and i think my head's back in the "right" place for me.

i can accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and i can still love her.

and i know that whatever the universe has planned for me, is a good thing.

cuz i've always believed that things happen for a reason.

other women will match my "shortlist", and fate will place our feet to meet.

intelligent, well-read, athletic, spiritual not religious, and truthful.

likes movies and a great BLT, lol.

and i started "decluttering", which was my new goal, 5 minutes a day!

:)

MoveOn dot org petition

here is an interesting link:

 

"Corporations aren't people, and shouldn't be able to corrupt our democracy.

We need as many state legislatures as possible to get behind the call for

a constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United ruling."

 

courtesy of george at urbansurvival dot com... ;)

 

fire and music: cleaning up...

she entered my life,
and her smile and words played a tune in my head.
slowly my heart began to beat to the music...

and a fire was lit.
with every touch and every shared breath,
that fire soared, burning when we touched...

and then she left,
and the tune kept playing,
and that fire kept burning and burning...

it's just me again,
and i have a mess to clean up,
fire blackened rooms and broken strings.

happy new year

goodbye 2010, hello 2011.

3 stubborn things

update on my 3 stubborn things...

a. still dealing with my emotional turmoil, but i'm not physically aching anymore.  ( been working out, playing vball & futsal, biking, etc - lost weight too, not that i'm happy about it, but the kids say i look good )

b. after telling my thoughts about the oncologists to my ENT surgeon, he agreed with me.  ( and we have a plan i like )

c. after coming back from the trip, my wonderful child and i traded good-natured texts back & forth, many ending with "jeezus loves you!"  ( and she has alot of funny stories about jeezus-camp too, lol )

and that's about it...

on vacation til the end of the year, and all my shopping is done, wooo!

oh, and happy festivus!
;)

a good thought...

"Your enemy can not harm you as much as your own, unguarded thoughts"
~ Buddhist saying (made famous by the Samurai)

 

stubborn

apparently i'm stubborn. 

 

not exactly a surprise, but it's causing some definite issues in my life right now.

 

one: i am having trouble letting go of a relationship that has ended.

two: i think i know more than the oncologist about what's best for me.

three: i refused to pay for a trip to a religious camp for one of my kids (who went anyway).

 

just three examples...

but i still feel i'm right.  in all three of those cases.

doesn't mean that i am actually right, just how i feel about it.

maybe i need a new distraction?  /shrug

 

 

prepare for a drastic change in the world...

store away some food, and ammo, and maybe some booze.

life will continue to be interesting.

 

oh, and peace out !

:)

 

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/knight-research-stunning-call-game-over

 

interesting read...

:-/

HPV

 

Had a good visit with my surgeon, this morning...

This was the normal post-op visit, but we also discussed the Oncologist i went to.

 

Basically, he said it was my choice on how I wanted to pursue treatment or not.

He reiterated that he got all of the cancer out of my neck.  But it wasn't benign.

And that since the Petscan showed no other signs of cancer, I was clear, for now.

 

He said we would have monthly visits, and petscans every 6 months, and we'd watch.

Which sounds like a good plan to me.  Cuz the chemo and radiation are nasty.

 

We also discussed the possibility that mine was an HPV+ OPC (oropharyngeal cancer),

and there was discussion in his medical community about HPV being epidemic right now.

( he was going to check into a retest of the biopsy to determine if it was )

Treatment for HPV+ cancer is somewhat different than traditional treatment,

but it is still evolving, as it is a new development.

 

ps. if you're bored, wikipedia has some good stuff on all of this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HPV-positive_oropharyngeal_cancer

 

Quantum blahblahblah

 

Quantum Mind-Body Problem

 

somehow, this peaks my interest:

"Pauli accepted the term, and described quantum mechanics as lucid mysticism.^[1]"

 

- and makes me immediately think about synchronicity, both personal and between persons...

 

simply the idea of waveform collapse, which i would choose different jargon for, validates conciousness, right?

that an observing conciousness, causes the everywhereness of the universe to respond, and come into focus for the observer.

/shrug

 

does this also bring the universe into focus, thru intent?

focused concentration, causes the universal soup to coalesce, allowing intent to manifest reality?

 

 

i like the idea that all those quantum scientists, saw value in mysticism...

 

strange thoughts...

;)

 

frustrated...

went to an Oncologist yesterday for a consultation...

kinda depressing information which was also frustrating to hear.

 

basically, they want me to start some type of treatment, even tho the petscan showed clear.

something about sub-microscopic cancer cells, which they want to prevent spreading.

i'm going to start researching it.

 

the things i found so frustrating, were that when i asked about alternative treatment,

they said my options were: radiation, chemo, or more surgery.

and when i asked about the clear petscan, she talked about sub-microscopic, undetectable stuff.

also, when i asked about how i don't fit into any "lifestyle" that promotes cancer, she had no answer.

( i'm a non-smoker, light-drinker, not-overweight, daily exerciser, no-family-history, etc )

 

so, i'm a bit frustrated if not down-right angry after speaking with them...

 

anyways, that's the news

:)

 

Passing Time...

And, November 5th, 2010, 3:30pm passes by with a small sigh of relief...

-_-

 

Prof. Kotlikoff says

14-fold higher?!?!?!?!?  wut wut WUT???

 

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/commentary/neil-reynolds/the-scary-actual-us-government-debt/article1773879/

 

night of the living fed, haha!

"Capitalism has been manipulated far more, and more dangerously, by the last two Republican-appointed Fed bosses than everything else added together," Grantham added. "It is naive, if fashionable, to blame the rather current lame Administration for all of our problems. They inherited a cake already baked, or better, 'half-baked,' and the master bakers were the current and former Fed bosses."

 

from this interestingly titled article:

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/fed-zombies-hungry-for-quantitative-easing-2010-10-26

;)

 

clinging to the shore

well, life takes interesting twists and turns, much like a river...

 

there are people we connect with, seems like instantly,

and sometimes we have the pleasure of spending significant time with them.

they become part of us, and hopefully we become part of them.

and like all things, this too passes.

 

the parting hurts a bit, sometimes a bit more than we like.

but i suppose it depends on our attitude, if we accept that all things end,

and if we don't struggle and fight against the current, it can be easier.

 

but, i don't think it's in our nature to peacefully let go.

we cling, we struggle, we kick and fight and scream.

just our nature, or maybe my nature ;)

 

eventually, we let go, or are carried off, and the river sweeps us on down it's path.

and if we are lucky, we bump into the shore again, and get to spend some time.

i haven't quite got to the space where i completely trust the river.

 

but i'm working on it.

;)

 

some quotes from the buddha

started looking for good quotes on love, and this played on my heartstrings:

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long
companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of
spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it
will not be created for years or even generations."
~ Kahlil Gibran

- - -

then i started looking for quotes from the buddha, and these made me smile:

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."

"Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity."

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."

"What we think, we become."

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

. . .

peace...
-_-

PETscan results

picked up my results today, without getting into the medical language, it looks like i'm all clear.

probly should wait to hear from my doctor, but seems like good news.

:)

 

PETscan

just got to work after my petscan, this morning...

and i am Starving!  lol.

 

Positron Emission Tomography (PET)

 

basically, they told me to eat a hi protein, lo carb "last" meal. 

( i had steak, salmon, and broccoli at lonestar )

and then fast this morning.  i thought they said not to drink any water, so i didn't.

but they gave me some when i got there this morning, as i guess it's ok.

 

so, i show up early, read until the appt time, sign in, and was treated very well by the staff at Az Molecular.

David was very nice, and explained how everything would go, then he took some blood for a sugartest.

and after that he injected me with some radioactive sugar...

( apparently cancer cells love that shit )

 

then, i had to "rest" for an hour, while the sugar uptake process occurred thru-out my body.

not being allowed to read my book was a bit difficult, as i was supposed to try to be very quiet and still.

reading apparently works out our facial muscles, and that might skew the sugar uptake.  ( who knew? )

 

so, after I was told to pee ( gotta be empty ), changed into some scrubpants, and a few more minutes of rest,

David came and took me to the scanning room.  I had him put KUPD on the radio, WWBD was on, but i dint pay much attention.

then I mounted the very narrow table, and David strapped my arms to my sides, and threw a nice warm blanket over me.

he also put some spacers around my head, so i wouldn't move too much, then he said "cya in a bit", and left.

 

The machine is quietly humming.  The radio is playing, but I'm not listening.  I'm quieting my body and my mind.

I'm not claustrophobic actually, until someone straps me to a table under a big humming machine, then i am.

Just a little bit...

;)

 

So, twenty minutes later, after a lot of sliding back and forth, and trying not to move or itch, I was free again.

It's a funny thing, when you know it's done, and it's soooo quiet, and you know someone is coming soon.

"don't forget me!"  "hurry!"  "gaaaah!  untie me arms!"  all ran thru my head... lol.

but, David didn't forget, and his smile looked like he read my mind, and he got me off the table quick-like.

and I thanked him with a foolish smile.

 

Another thing, right?

It's just another thing.

And it's just another day beginning...

 

surgery

well, long story short:
went to the doctor on tuesday, after 2 weeks of antibiotics for my throat.
she sent me down to the E.N.T. guy, and he looked in my throat and said:
"oh, that has to come out, this week". 
so, i went in for surgery on thursday.
he took out the growth and most of my left tonsil...
saturday he called, and after a little phonetag i got hold of him.
he said it was cancerous, but he was pretty sure he got all of it out.
i'm not in any pain, and actually feel great.

but, i have to start going in for tests soon.
an interesting twist...
:-/

doublethink...

"he who controls the past, controls the future.  he who controls the present, controls the past" - 1984

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/charting-statistical-fraud-bls-22-out-23-consecutive-upward-revisions-initial-jobless-claims