i dreamt of surfing

i dreamt of surfing this morning.

 

a huge wave took me away from where i started,

going along the shore, rather than to it.

i passed alot of other people, who seemed to be still.

 

suddenly i found myself facing backward, looking where i'd come from.

then, the wave threw me up really far onto a new shore.

i picked up my board, confused, and walked over to a desk

where there were some "instructors" talking.

 

i asked them where i could buy some jeans to wear,

and how far i was from "kua" where i'd started,

and they just laughed. 

 

they said i was still on the same island, just at "kuala"?

and really far away, and that i could catch a bus back.

last thing i remember was walking back to the ocean...

 

good dream!

:)

Soulmate

this idea of a Soulmate has to end.

nobody else can hold up your world but you.

and no one is going to fix all your problems, or heal all your wounds.

 

there is just way too much emphasis on the "magic" happening.

magic is an illusion, relationships take work, period.

 

i'm not against the idea that we can create a soulmate.

it just means that each of us can work on our relationships,

making them stronger, and more fun, and successful.

but it takes hard work.

 

i'm also not against the idea that you can create soulmates in most relationships.

we just have to be happy and strong, and meet other happy, strong, loving people,

and choose to build a great friendship, relationship, marriage, or whatever.

 

and i could be totally wrong, of course.

maybe it is soul energy?

or maybe it's just basic chemistry?

;)

 

diet

well, i felt i was pretty successful following the slow-carb diet,
lost 20 lbs and gained some muscle.

and now, i'm re-introducing some carbs back into what i eat.

a couple of things that started bugging me on the slow-carb, were my joints and circulation, which could be coincidental of course, but my joints started hurting, and my pinky fingers and toes get numb.

so, i have been having oatmeal for breakfast this week,

and i mixed brown rice in with my blackbeans and brocolli last night.

not sure how this experiment will bloom, but there you go.

this is somewhat in response to seeing the movie ForksOverKnives this weekend.

not that i want to cut animal products totally out,
but leaning a bit more "plant-strong".

i'm still at about 197 lbs, and feeling pretty muscular and lean.

( not huge and cut, lol, just in good overall shape )

just...wow.

47 today. 
seems...just...wow.

Old Notebook

found an old notebook when i was looking for something to take notes on, for the soccer board meeting the other night.  it was from 1999, which seems like a very long time ago, but isn't.

the notebook was for a class i was taking: "Your Hearts Desire".
which, as i remember it, was a very fun class for me at the time.
( i was newly separated at the time, the first one )

so, basically, nothing has changed!

i am still searching for whatever it is i would have passion for.
still looking for the lady who will love me as much as i love her.
and still trying to get back into doing something artistic.

not sure how i feel about that.
this i will ponder and perhaps dream upon...
:-/

2nd petscan = all clear

Dr. called friday, results from my 2nd petscan are all clear.
yay!

unreadable

that other format sucked! 

 sorry...

/facepalm

and this one is just ... so ... vanilla.
:P

obligatory cheezball pics

okay, i've been kinda following the four hour body book
for eating and working out. and, i've seen some success :)

here are a few obligatory cheezball pics, showing my progress...

ready? put on those safety goggles!


before:

that's me sometime in nov. of 2010, at about 220 lbs.


and after:

me at 195 lbs.


and i think i'm gonna try putting on a little muscle now...
:)))


boooyaaaa!
jk ;)

thoughts

i wasn't really thinking about blogging today. but i was thinking about this past weekend, and some of the things that happened. nothing that i would call an epiphany, but definitely insights into how i've been feeling.

you know, the whole "my heart is broken" thing :)

it's not that i'm past it, and i'll probly have a few drunken nights wallowing in it again. ( like 2 weeks ago last friday, lol )

but, i think i'm having some clarity, and alot of acceptance now.
not that it is important to anyone but me.

friday and saturday were desperately lonely for me.

and before i met her, i wasn't what i would call lonely.

alone yes, but i had settled into a routine, with my kids, and other stuff of my life. i was a bit cluttered, and my abode reflected that, and still does. but the first 2 days of the weekend, i was seeking someone to distract me from my loneliness, and i texted and called quite a few people.

and nobody, absolutely nobody, was available. few even answered.

it was like my phone and email were blocked. lol, dang universe.

so, after those 2 days, i kinda looked at myself, and thought "that's enough".

time to accept what the universe was showing me, once again.

"be comfortably alone, and know that you are not truly alone"

loneliness is thinking you are missing something, that you have an empty spot inside.

some people fill that with "stuff", drugs, religion, sex, whatever... but, i haven't. well, occasionally, but not too often, and it's not my "pattern". ( don't get me wrong, i DO obsess. my monkeymind goes bananas pretty often )

sunday was fantastic, got to play futsal with friends from the soccer club.

gave my old sambas to a kid, so he'd have "soccer shoes" for next week.

then us oldmen went to the mancave and had a couple beers.

then, since it was my "cheat day", i went and had blueberry pancakes.

( and continued cheating most of the rest of the day )

end result: not healed, but healing...

and i think my head's back in the "right" place for me.

i can accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and i can still love her.

and i know that whatever the universe has planned for me, is a good thing.

cuz i've always believed that things happen for a reason.

other women will match my "shortlist", and fate will place our feet to meet.

intelligent, well-read, athletic, spiritual not religious, and truthful.

likes movies and a great BLT, lol.

and i started "decluttering", which was my new goal, 5 minutes a day!

:)

MoveOn dot org petition

here is an interesting link:

 

"Corporations aren't people, and shouldn't be able to corrupt our democracy.

We need as many state legislatures as possible to get behind the call for

a constitutional amendment to reverse the Citizens United ruling."

 

courtesy of george at urbansurvival dot com... ;)

 

fire and music: cleaning up...

she entered my life,
and her smile and words played a tune in my head.
slowly my heart began to beat to the music...

and a fire was lit.
with every touch and every shared breath,
that fire soared, burning when we touched...

and then she left,
and the tune kept playing,
and that fire kept burning and burning...

it's just me again,
and i have a mess to clean up,
fire blackened rooms and broken strings.

happy new year

goodbye 2010, hello 2011.

3 stubborn things

update on my 3 stubborn things...

a. still dealing with my emotional turmoil, but i'm not physically aching anymore.  ( been working out, playing vball & futsal, biking, etc - lost weight too, not that i'm happy about it, but the kids say i look good )

b. after telling my thoughts about the oncologists to my ENT surgeon, he agreed with me.  ( and we have a plan i like )

c. after coming back from the trip, my wonderful child and i traded good-natured texts back & forth, many ending with "jeezus loves you!"  ( and she has alot of funny stories about jeezus-camp too, lol )

and that's about it...

on vacation til the end of the year, and all my shopping is done, wooo!

oh, and happy festivus!
;)

a good thought...

"Your enemy can not harm you as much as your own, unguarded thoughts"
~ Buddhist saying (made famous by the Samurai)

 

stubborn

apparently i'm stubborn. 

 

not exactly a surprise, but it's causing some definite issues in my life right now.

 

one: i am having trouble letting go of a relationship that has ended.

two: i think i know more than the oncologist about what's best for me.

three: i refused to pay for a trip to a religious camp for one of my kids (who went anyway).

 

just three examples...

but i still feel i'm right.  in all three of those cases.

doesn't mean that i am actually right, just how i feel about it.

maybe i need a new distraction?  /shrug

 

 

prepare for a drastic change in the world...

store away some food, and ammo, and maybe some booze.

life will continue to be interesting.

 

oh, and peace out !

:)

 

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

George pointed to Tyler, Tyler pointed to:

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/knight-research-stunning-call-game-over

 

interesting read...

:-/

HPV

 

Had a good visit with my surgeon, this morning...

This was the normal post-op visit, but we also discussed the Oncologist i went to.

 

Basically, he said it was my choice on how I wanted to pursue treatment or not.

He reiterated that he got all of the cancer out of my neck.  But it wasn't benign.

And that since the Petscan showed no other signs of cancer, I was clear, for now.

 

He said we would have monthly visits, and petscans every 6 months, and we'd watch.

Which sounds like a good plan to me.  Cuz the chemo and radiation are nasty.

 

We also discussed the possibility that mine was an HPV+ OPC (oropharyngeal cancer),

and there was discussion in his medical community about HPV being epidemic right now.

( he was going to check into a retest of the biopsy to determine if it was )

Treatment for HPV+ cancer is somewhat different than traditional treatment,

but it is still evolving, as it is a new development.

 

ps. if you're bored, wikipedia has some good stuff on all of this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HPV-positive_oropharyngeal_cancer

 

Quantum blahblahblah

 

Quantum Mind-Body Problem

 

somehow, this peaks my interest:

"Pauli accepted the term, and described quantum mechanics as lucid mysticism.^[1]"

 

- and makes me immediately think about synchronicity, both personal and between persons...

 

simply the idea of waveform collapse, which i would choose different jargon for, validates conciousness, right?

that an observing conciousness, causes the everywhereness of the universe to respond, and come into focus for the observer.

/shrug

 

does this also bring the universe into focus, thru intent?

focused concentration, causes the universal soup to coalesce, allowing intent to manifest reality?

 

 

i like the idea that all those quantum scientists, saw value in mysticism...

 

strange thoughts...

;)

 

frustrated...

went to an Oncologist yesterday for a consultation...

kinda depressing information which was also frustrating to hear.

 

basically, they want me to start some type of treatment, even tho the petscan showed clear.

something about sub-microscopic cancer cells, which they want to prevent spreading.

i'm going to start researching it.

 

the things i found so frustrating, were that when i asked about alternative treatment,

they said my options were: radiation, chemo, or more surgery.

and when i asked about the clear petscan, she talked about sub-microscopic, undetectable stuff.

also, when i asked about how i don't fit into any "lifestyle" that promotes cancer, she had no answer.

( i'm a non-smoker, light-drinker, not-overweight, daily exerciser, no-family-history, etc )

 

so, i'm a bit frustrated if not down-right angry after speaking with them...

 

anyways, that's the news

:)

 

Passing Time...

And, November 5th, 2010, 3:30pm passes by with a small sigh of relief...

-_-